Tuesday, June 24, 2008


I went jogging and this buzzing mutant bee kept circling me
I could not lose this guy for at least a mile
and he was driving me insane, head-butting my shoulder and hissing in my ear,
I just wanted to chill with You in the march on the pavement
but we kept getting interrupted by his incessant buzzing
finally I just sprinted as fast as I could, waved my arms like an idiot
and lost him. Ha!
and that's when You started doing all the talking. . .

compliments give me a gag reflex
I remember a time when I was little
I would get a hand on my chubby cheek
a flick of my pigtail or a squeeze of my plump fingers
along with a piece of Bubble Yum bubble gum and grinning flattery,
perfumed and cologned with scent of Sunday mornings
and I would smile and enjoy them all.
Now it's more of a mona lisa smile
formed from years of acting training
like those rushed curtain calls of nausia
where I just wanted to hide in the green room
I don't know who wrote that part of the story
but I'm beginning to understand it wasn't You
I guess I always pictured the black and white simplicity
of the ying and yang of me
You get credit for all the light and goodness
I get guilt for all the dark and shadows
Everyone's clear on the who and what
and I rest in my bad-news-is-better-than-no-news
world of answered questions even if the answers are lies
in the silky comfort of better-than-good-it's-done complacency
But You're slowly teaching me to see in color
so I can answer that frightening call
that word that seems beyond little me
who still feels like that little pigtailed girl
looking up at everyone else
and staying safe by mommy's purse and daddy's knees
Can she really pull this off?
But here we are again,
me surprised by your love,
and You, knudging me, then pushing me
as I drag my fearful heels and leave a trail of mud
Because only You could write this chapter
And I think I know now
I finally know
that it's time to start walking tall,
even if it means sprinting, waving my arms like an idiot
and making a fool of myself
so I can lose that stupid bee
and start being the You in me.

"For a long time, I thought humility meant continually discounting one's gifts, making sure to attribute everything to God or walking through life with a low opinion of oneself. However, this is not a biblical picture of humility. Humility is essentially seeing oneself with sober eyes, and not being so self-absorbed that we overlook the role of the sovereign Lord as well as the incredible worth and contributions of others . . . Many women leaders find themselves apologizing for their passion and goals, coming across as uncertain and tentative in their decision making . . . we must stop apologizing for our gifts and opportunities! We are not taking up too much room if we are seeking to fufill a God-ordained calling--a calling which may just require us to get over ourselves, take a deep breath and simply start leading . . . Being true to how God made us makes leadership less of a burden and more of a natural outpouring of how we function best . . . I had to learn what it meant to be fully myself, comfortable in my own skin, and willing to express myself authentically as a woman of faith . . . I urge you to listen to the quiet voice of the Spirit and allow our God to help you design your own path . . . No one can write the script for you--your story will be entirely your own." Nancy Beach, Gifted to Lead

"I wanna feel something sweeter than this
Cover me in leaves and roll me over again
I've been everybody else and now I want to be
something closer to myself."
Kendall Payne "Closer to Myself" song

"But me he caught—reached all the way from sky to sea;
he pulled me out Of that ocean of hate, that enemy chaos,
the void in which I was drowning.
They hit me when I was down, but God stuck by me.
He stood me up on a wide-open field;
I stood there saved—surprised to be loved!
God made my life complete when I placed all the pieces before him.
When I got my act together, he gave me a fresh start.
Now I'm alert to God's ways; I don't take God for granted.
Every day I review the ways he works; I try not to miss a trick.
I feel put back together, and I'm watching my step.
God rewrote the text of my life
when I opened the book of my heart to his eyes."
Psalm 18:16-24 (Msg)

"Dress down your pretty faith. Give me something real.
Leave out the thee and thou and speak to me now.
Speak to my pain and confusion.
Speak through my fears and my pride.
Speak to the part of me that knows I'm something deep down inside.
I know that I am not perfect, but compare me to most,
In a world of hurt and a world of anger I think I'm holding my own.
And I know that you said there is more to life.
And I know I am not satisfied.
But there are mornings I wake up and I'm just thankful to be alive.
I've known now, for quite a while, that I am not whole.
I've remembered the body and the mind,
But disected my soul.
Now something inside is awakening,
Like a dream I once had and forgot.
And it's something I'm scared of
And something I don't want to stop.
And I woke up this morning and realized that Jesus is not a portait.
Where stained glass windows or hymns or the tradition that surrounds us.
And I thought it would be hard to believe in
But it's not hard at all.
To believe I've sinned and fallen short of the Glory of God.
And He's not asking me to change in my joy for martyrdom
He's asking to take my place.
To stand in the gap that I have formed
With His real, and His sweet, and His real amazing grace.
And it's not just a sign or a sacrament.
It's not just a metaphor for love.
The blood is real and it's not just a symbol of your faith.
So leave out the thee and thou and speak now."
Sara Groves, "Awakening" song


Sarah Rulli said...

Thanks for this... I love your ability to look inside yourself and creatively express what's happening in your heart. Your writing paints a picture of your journey with God. I love that I get to share pieces of that journey with you!

Sarah said...

sarah rulli said it perfectly. i love how you take everything God created and then a humorous event, i would have LOVED to seen by the way (swatting around a bee), and use it to glorify God. you show people that He is literally EVERYWHERE in our lives, we just have to seek Him!

Dan Vukmirovich said...

Good reminder. Love the picture. Love Nancy's quote. BEE YOURSELF! (pun intended) :)