Hearing Test

"Potential" from eyemotion on Vimeo.

It was a suck in through the teeth moment
hands over my eyes Spock style
peeking through one pirate eye cringe
like that dream where you go to school in your underwear
the risk of listening to You
and following through
when I wound the clock
my wounds on display
praying that it will never be
about a cool piece in a service
but a new peace in their hearts
as someone looked down and opened up to say "Me, too"
while pointing up to You in a broken hallelujah
like laughing at all of Peter's fumbling
and sinking and back-pedaling
then silence in the power of that Pentecost speech
when you took his failures
and began a revolution
I'll never be a revolutionary
but I'm determined to listen for You
whether I fail or succeed
and both are inevitable in this rubber band life
Thank You for my brilliant husband
who is listening along side me
who inherited Your storytelling gene
in a way that still takes my breath away
too bad there weren't silver screens on those hillsides of Yours
You took what they knew-- seeds, harvest
wages at the end of a long day
to bring them to the truth of You
and that's all we really want in all this
so here we are, Lord
waiting, wounded, wound up
and ready to hear
what's next




1. WOUND
Function: noun , an injury to the body (as from violence, accident, or surgery) or a mental or emotional hurt or blow.

"Wounds. By his wounds we are healed. But they are our wounds, too, and until we have been healed we do not know what wholeness is. The discipline of creation, be it to paint, compose, write, is an effort toward wholeness . . . It is a listening, unself-conscious love, and many artists who are incapable of this in their daily living are able to find it as they listen to their work, that work which binds our wounds and heals us and helps us toward wholeness . . . But it is not only our hurts which we are required to give over but our wholeness, too. It must all be his."
Madelaine L'Engle, Walking on Water: Reflections on Faith and Art



2. WOUND
Funtion: verb, past participle of the verb wind, as in to wind a clock.

"We must daily keep things wound; that is, we must pray when prayer seems dry as dust; we must write when we are physically tired, when our hearts are heavy, when our bodies are in pain. We may not always be able to make our "clock" run correctly, but at least we can keep it wound so that it will not forget."
Madelaine L'Engle, Walking on Water: Reflections on Faith and Art



"Safety is only an illusion, and letting go is part of listening to the silence, and to the Spirit . . In art, either as creators or as participators, we are helped to remember some of the glorious things we have forgotten, and some of the terrible things we are asked to endure, we who are children of God by adoption and grace . . . The artist cannot hold back; it is impossible, because writing or any other discipline of art, involves participation in suffering, in the ills and the occasional stabbing joys that come from being part of the human drama . . . we are meant to be real and to see and recognize the real . . . We have to be braver than we think we can be, because God is constantly calling us to be more than we are, to see through the plastic sham to living, breathing reality, and to break down our defenses of self-protection in order to be free to receive and give love . . . when the words mean even more than the writer knew they meant, then the writer has been listening. And sometimes when we listen, we are led into places we do not expect, into adventures we do not always understand."
Madelaine L'Engle, Walking on Water: Reflections on Faith and Art

"I was reading my Bible the other day, and do you know what I realized? The main word in the word 'heart' is 'hear'. All He wants me to do is listen." Lavon Kil

"Trust God from the bottom of your heart; don't try to figure out everything on your own. Listen for God's voice in everything you do, everywhere you go; he's the one who will keep you on track. Don't assume that you know it all. Run to God! Run from evil! Your body will glow with health, your very bones will vibrate with life! Honor God with everything you own; give him the first and the best. Your barns will burst, your wine vats will brim over. But don't, dear friend, resent God's discipline; don't sulk under his loving correction. It's the child he loves that God corrects; a father's delight is behind all this." Proverbs 3:5 (MSG)

Heartburn

I jog today with extra weight

the image of a blank screen

stalker deadlines in the bushes

and a mound of expectations

like a high pile of clumsy gadgetry

that only slips when I try to climb to the top

and the cords keep wrapping around my ankles

and pulling me down like evil seaweed

the world feels like it might be caving in

but I know You too well to believe it

and I listen for Your truth in the first song

in our little love story soundtrack

"Is this the new fear or just another fright?

Is this the new tear or just another desperation?

Is this the finger or just another fist?

Is this the kingdom or just a hit n' miss?

A misdirection, most in all this desperation

Is this what they call freedom?

Is this what you call pain?

Is this what they call discontented fame?

It'll be a day like this one

When the world caves in."

("The Blues" by Switchfoot)

I bring it all to you

the weight

the ache for You to fill in my blanks

running to catch You in the wind

or following only fast enough to see You turn a corner

I didn't sign up for a one woman show

I need You

in every assignment

every moment

every word

every syllable

breathing You into their ears

until it tickles and they have to choose

"What can I do with my obsession?
With the things I cannot see
Is there madness in my being?
Is it wind that blows the trees?
Sometimes you're further than the moon
Sometimes you're closer than my skin
And you surround me like a winter fog
You've come and burned me with a kiss
And my heart burns for you
And my heart burns . . . "
("Obsession" by Delirious)

all I can do is pray
for Your words, not mine
to feel You surround me like a winter coat
and burn me with a kiss
because my worst nightmare is that it's just my words
and they are so few in this moment of fear
so my few empty words cup like a bowl
waiting on the Spirit to pour in
writer's block paralysis
from heartburn
for others to know You
or come back to make the angels sing
louder than my ipod

"There are many prodigal sons
On our city streets they run
Searching for shelter
There are homes broken down
People’s hopes have fallen to the ground
From failures
This is an emergency!
There are tears from the saints
For the lost and unsaved
We’re crying for them come back home
We’re crying for them come back home
And all your children will stretch out their hands
And pick up the crippled man
Father, we will lead them home."
("Tears of the Saints" by Leeland)

tears and sweat drops meet
in V's and Y's and hold onto each other
until they hit the pavement
like the two halves of me
meeting in the crux of
full doubt in myself and
peace in Your arms when I fall

like Peter sinking in the waves

and calling out to you
arms that lift me back up
and increase my pace
with the rhythm of the next song

"Complexity haunts me for I am two men
Entrenched in a battle that Ill never win
My discipline fails me, my knowledge it fools me
But you are my shelter, all the strength that I need
It's my will, and I'm not moving
Cause if it's your will, then nothing can shake me
It's my will, to bow and praise you
I now have the will to praise my God."
("My Will" by DC Talk)

I can hear my breath gasping
but there's no pain
only me smiling like an idiot
flying through suburbia
with no concern for communal proprieties
unaware of anything but You
a child running on the playground again

"Here we are now with the falling sky and the rain,
We're awakening
Here we are now with our desperate youth and the pain,
We're awakening
Maybe it's called ambition, you've been talking in your sleep
About a dream, we're awakening
Last week found me living for nothing but deadlines,
With my dead beat sky but, this town doesn't look the same tonight
These dreams started singing to me out of nowhere
And in all my life I don't know that I ever felt so alive,
Alive"
("Awakening" by Switchfoot)

The blank screens flash back in my mind

along with the blurred faces

of all who need to find You

the steps start to feel heavy again

that stitch in the side begins like a little flame

but I refuse to slow

because I'm not relying on my strength alone

boot camp training for the real battle

of sitting back down

to face that white rectangle head on

"Let the wars begin, let my strength wear thin

Let my fingers crack, let my world fall apart

Train the monkeys on my back to fight

Let it start tonight

When my world explodes, when my stars touch the ground

Falling down like broken satellites

Let your love be strong,

and I don't care what goes down

Let your love be strong enough to weather through the thunder cloud

Fury and thunder clap like stealing the fire from your sky's

All that I am hanging on, all of my world resting on your love."

("Let Your Love Be Strong" by Switchfoot)

the confidence gets overzealous and crosses the line

from free-flow faith into scheduled checklists

determined robotic item completion

the drill sergeant is back with my raging voice

reminding me of those stalker deadlines
and the shrinking clock

tick tock click

the next song begins to makes me smile

an old favorite love song

Cody added when I wasn't looking

but again I listen for you . . .

"Sometimes, I get so tense

But I can't speed up the time

But you know, love, there's one more thing to consider

Said, woman, take it slow

Things will be just fine

You and I'll just use a little patience."

("Patience" by Guns N Roses)

Guns N Roses . . . who knew?

and I grin as I turn a corner

You have my attention

You have my faith

You have my heartburn

but I still need Your words

all I've ever wanted was to bring more of You

from up there to down here

so people can reach out

to touch You, see You, know You

to share You

but I'm feeling tongue-tied
so You start with the words

of my own prayer

as the next song fades in . . .

"I need a sign to let me know you're here

All of these lines are being crossed over the atmosphere

I need to know that things are gonna look up

'Cause I feel us drowning in a sea spilled from a cup

When there is no place safe and no safe place to put my head

When you feel the world shake from the words that are said

And I'm calling all angels

I'm calling all you angels

I won't give up if you don't give up."

("Calling All Angels" by Train)

and I turn the last corner into the tree tunnel

the route back to my front porch

back to the blank screen

back to the calling

with old songs in the ipod
new truths in my mind

like Your water on my fiery fears

and I know the words will come

because I won't give up if you don't give up

and after 2000 years

I think we both know

You'll never give up on us

so neither will I.

"After they prayed, the place where they were meeting was shaken. And they were all filled with the Holy Spirit and spoke the word of God boldly." Acts 4:31

"Henry Fonda was still throwing up before each stage performance, even when he was seventy-five. In other words, fear doesn't go away. Self doubt can be an ally. This is because it serves as indicator of inspiration. It reflects love, love of something we dream of doing, and desire, desire to do it . . . The counterfeit innovator is wildly self-confident. The real one is scared to death." Steven Pressfield

The War of Art: Break Through the Blocks and Win Your Inner Creative Battles

"God, who knows the heart, showed that he accepted them by giving the Holy Spirit to them, just as he did to us." Acts 15:8

"This question of meaning of being, and dying and being, is behind the telling of stories around tribal fires at night; behind the drawing of animals on the walls of caves; the singing of melodies of love in spring, and of the death of green in autumn. It is part of the deepest longing of the human psyche, a recurrent ache in the hearts of all God's creatures. So when the messages, Listen to the silence. Stay Open to the voice of the spirit, and Slow me down , Lord, came, I was forced to listen and even to smile . . .The Holy Spirit does not hesitate to use any method at hand to make a point to us reluctant creatures."

Madelaine L'Engle

Walking on Water: Reflections on Faith in Art

Preparations

"If I had eight hours to chop down a tree, I’d spend six sharpening my axe." ~ Abraham Lincoln

I love our little secrets

inside joke theophanies

where I giggle and cup my ear to listen

like playground telephone games

without the funny confusion

and the dusty rough-edged boys

who always changed it on purpose

reading Your word reminds me of cloud-gazing

where the shape of John the Baptist looks a little like me

a weird diet and What Not to Wear show waiting to happen

never really fitting in, wandering off alone

to dig his toes in the sand and think of You

somehow shy and a bold teacher all at once

he probably got those "What is that all about?" looks, too

our goal is the same

to prepare the way for You

I've always loved preparations

and perhaps my over-preparing was what pushed me over the line

from the "odd" or "special" column to the full-blown nerd
complete with home-made flashcards

appendix look-ups

and extra laps around the track

an extra credit junky

chasing the next fix of creative opportunity

Geeking out over preparing the way for others to shine

so they can morph into a closer image of what You have in mind

for them and through them

for my husband

the hidden hero

who is sometimes caught holding the wrong measuring tape

my daughter

who tries on things a little too big for her

and makes me smile

my family

who follow you all over the globe

and see suffering as just a little pop quiz

my friends

who know how to argue and agree

on You in a perfect teeter totter thrill ride

my pastors

who challenge and love us

with their patchwork quilt words of truth and grace

my team

who are so gifted and wise it freaks me out sometimes

and let me sit at the cool crowd table

my volunteers

who don't just squeeze serving in their calendars

but give their all to You

and all of this to really prepare the way

for You

and that cloud-gazing Kingdom playground

that whispers in my ear

and tells me

to keep loving You

in all the preparations.

"It is written in Isaiah the prophet:
'I will send my messenger ahead of you,
who will prepare your way
a voice of one calling in the desert,
Prepare the way for the Lord,
make straight paths for him.'"
Mark 1:2-3

In One Ear and Stay

Thank You for two days of good advice
and follow-the-leader games
that challenge me to jump in the puddles
get my hands a little dirty
chill in the plans You've made
and remember to take some flyers
let it go in one ear and stay


"Listen, friends, to some good advice; sit up and take notice so you'll know how to live. I'm giving you good counsel; don't let it go in one ear and out the other."
Proverbs 4:1


"Dear friend, take my advice; it will add years to your life. I'm writing out clear directions to Wisdom Way, I'm drawing a map to Righteous Road. I don't want you ending up in blind alleys, or wasting time making wrong turns. Hold tight to good advice; don't relax your grip. Guard it well—your life is at stake!"
Proverbs 4:10

"Refuse good advice and watch your plans fail; take good counsel and watch them succeed."
Proverbs 15:22

"When something feels funky, engage.
Take a 'flyer' (a calculated risk).
They will never be rocked until you challenge them." Bill Hybels


"I ask myself everyday, are Jesus and I really interested in the same things?
If you want your leadership to matter, lead in the things that matter to God.
Some of us go on the trip, but we miss the adventure.
Something isn't right when Jesus' burden is light and mine is still heavy.
The first thing to disappear when spiritual health departs is laughter. The joy of the Lord is our strength." Gary Haugen


"Your playing small does not serve the world. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us. It's in everyone.
Follow your compass and not your clock.
If you don't get feedback, you get blind spots.
Leadrship is not about having power over others, it's about empowering others." Bill George


"It's your own personal conviction that makes your leadership work." Wendy Kopp


"Making and maintaining good soil is everything. What kind of soil do you think people need to grow into the masterpieces God made them to be? Leadership is the act of providing the right environment for people to grow. But are you willing to get your hands dirty? We need to ask ourselves are we teaching more like Jesus or like the Pharisees? Are we leading people to see others first through the eyes of grace? If you had a masterpiece of art with some mud on it, would you throw it out? No. Jesus saw in all people a masteriece worth dying for. The pharisees just saw mud. What do you see first? What are the barriers to grace in your cultural context? You won't be able to recognize them unless you get your hands dirty.
The core problem of humanity is not behavior, not that we do bad things, but a broken relationship to others. When we learn to live in authentic confessing community, it heals us.
I know what youre thinking. if we invite these people in, what if they never change?Our job is not fixing or chagging or growing people, we cant only god can. We can only cultivate the soil.
Stay connected. fruit happens." John Burke

"God so loved the world, but guess what? He wants to love it through us.
When God comes back, that's the ultimate justice. But until then, it's just us.
Its not about qualification, its about being picked up by a force larger than yourself.
Tribalism is still a deep evil force that courageous leaders must take on.
Sometimes the storms arise because the high pressure of what God wants to do come against the low pressure of what we want to do.The low pressure of what's comfortable against the high pressure of what Jesus died for.
What if we stop making excuses and create churches that are sneak previews of heaven?" Efrem Smith

"To reach people that no one is reaching, we have to do things that no one is doing. But to do things no one is doing, we can't do what everyone else is doing.
You have everything you need to do what God wants you to do.
Some of you have an obstace but God wants you to see the opportunity.
A lot of people say God guides by what he provides, but we've found that God guides through what he doesn't provide.
Shake it off and step up." Craig Groeschel

"We have transferred our allegiance to truth to therapy.We look for what we can get out of it.
If you are a leader, your job is not to pander to people, it's to lead them to the truth.
If the culture's sick, it means the church is sick. It means the church isn't doing it's job."
Chuck Colsen


"I just learned that God's ways are better than mine, so I just need to chill out and let go of control.
Just show up in the morning. Get your orders for the day, and execute in obedience.
If I'm not in good shape, I'm hurting the whole organization.
I have learned to sacrifice privacy for accountability.
I dare you to pray "Bring it on, God" and watch out for what God will do with you." Catherine Rohr

"Moses was 'called' to do his job. He had a long list of reasons he shouldn’t be doing it. But Moses did the job because he was 'called' to do it." Brad Anderson

"Be careful. God might be preparing you, and refining you, by the frustration of this era." Bill Hybels

Bated Breath

I've come so far
to grasp the hem of the garment of confidence
to feel the awesome power of You
flow out into me
and dance in the role You've tailor made for me
but now
it's itchy again
ants in the pants holy discontent
like crossing a ribboned finish line with arms up
only to see another longer race ahead
because I can hear You
calling me to something beyond me
and I don't know exactly what it is yet
like a slow curtain opening
but I do know
I can't breathe life into others
if I stay safe in my breathless fear and insecurity
chin on my knees
peeking through the blinds
and making excuses
because the sun seems too bright
and I forgot my sunglasses
Thank you for two days
of inhaling the wisdom of women who get it
who actually live comfortably in their own skin
a clear picture of who they are in You
minus the blurring lines of the blinds
that big picture comparison game
that really isn't the picture at all
who have watched the curtain open until it locks
so they can dance in the warm sun
of all You have for them
I'm breathing it all in
only so I can exhale
with my little voice
to bring some glory to You
and find my own voice
my own strength to open the curtain
so others can see You
and watch the real love story
that has the only true, lasting, and enduring happy ending
of breathing in and
breathing out.


Gifted to Lead Conference Wed. Aug. 7, 2008
"As I listen to my life and tell my stories, a voice emerges. It is my voice, and it connects to people in ways the voices of others cannot . . . do not try to be someone you are not .. .Trust that God has given you a voice that needs to be heard and stories that will connect if you tell them with a spirit of openness, discovery, and reflection on eternal truth . . . be a woman who examines her soul and who is used by God to breathe life into others. "
Nancy Beach, Gifted to Lead

"The Spirit, not content to flit around on the surface, dives into the depths of God, and brings out what God planned all along. Who ever knows what you're thinking and planning except you yourself? The same with God—except that he not only knows what he's thinking, but he lets us in on it. God offers a full report on the gifts of life and salvation that he is giving us. We don't have to rely on the world's guesses and opinions. We didn't learn this by reading books or going to school; we learned it from God, who taught us person-to-person through Jesus, and we're passing it on to you in the same firsthand, personal way. " 1 Corinthians 2:10-13

"Wherever you go, your gift is not as important as your pursuit of God . . . Stop being surprised that leadership is hard. Put on your big girl panties and deal with it. Obstacles are what your gift was created for. Seek a vision of your calling that goes beyond time and place, one the goes to the heart of God. . . You can't believe in the strengths of others until you believe in your own." Nancy Ortberg

"Where God provides a vision, he also provides provision." Teresa Hord Owens

"Life is not easy for any of us, but what of that? We must have perseverance and above all confidence in ourselves. We must believe that we are gifted for something and that this thing must be attained." Marie Curie

"Give yourself fully to God. He will use you to accomplish great things on the condition that you believe much more in his love than in your own weaknesses." Mother Theresa

Sink Down, Raise Up

"A remnant of the family of Judah yet again will sink down roots and raise up fruit."
2 Kings 19:30

A weekend of legacy reminders
dressed in a whimsical pink t-shirt parade
a time to sink down the family tree roots
and listen for hand-me-down wisdom
from You
how You slip into conversation topics
like the rhythm of a cool, rotating fan
standing as the base of the family tree for years
with Aunt Norma in Egypt missions
with Cousin Kimmy Jo and her puppets
that bring You to children in ways only she can
with Amy and her new adventure of motherhood
as she extends another branch of faith
in the chubby cheeks of a little boy
with mom and her palm tree pain transformed
into the joy of trusting You
and with Grandma in her silent service
that can drown out all the bubbly teacher voices
with the power of her quiet peace and patience
that remind of us Jesus in ways we forget to admit
with each one of us in Your hand-crafted way
that we have trouble putting into words
but share with each other
in some common unspoken sweetness
I sink in the roots
knowing the nutrients of my family tree
will feed and ripen the fruit You are calling me to grow
and I thank You for a weekend of hymn-singing women
and cousins coming together
to love You
love each other
and slowing time as we chase moments
to sink down and raise up together
all for the glory of You

Puzzle Faces

another whisper in the every day
our favorite puzzle past time
criss cross of limbs
to bring tiny pieces of cardboard together
and make something beautiful
as the dusty pile is poured
we dive in for our favorites
me searching for the corners, the edges
the frame to box them all in
safe and sound
but not Lauren
she scours the pile for puzzle faces
eyes so they can see her
mouths that can return her smile
a chin she can place as if to lift it
tiny hands she can almost touch with her fingertips
and I get a glimpse of You
the one who seeks us out
in our two dimensional
fragmented jigsaw lives
and pours us out before You
as we all pretend we can make it on our own
one puzzle piece with only a hint
of the real image to come
but You silently sort through the pile
urging us to see beyond the frames
the four corners
the straight edges that trap us in
our four walled boxes
and Who, like my little girl
just wants to look in our faces
return our smiles
lift our chins
touch our hands
and place a bunch of cut up pieces
alongside eachother
knit together
to make something beautiful
something You had in mind all along.



"The heart is a puzzle that no one can figure out. But I, God, search the heart and examine the mind. I get to the heart of the human. I get to the root of things. I treat them as they really are, not as they pretend to be." Jeremiah 17:9 (Msg)

"The destiny of each one of us is intended, by the Lord, to enter into the destiny of His entire Kingdom. And the more perfectly we are ourselves the more we are able to contribute to the good of the whole Church . . . Our love for one another must be rooted in a deep devotion to Divine Providence, a devotion that abandons our own limited plans into the hands of God and seeks only to enter into the invisible work that builds His Kingdom." Thomas Merton, No Man is an Island

Birthday Presence

10:40am
July 20th
1978
You started something crazy.

They say coincidence is Your way of offering anonymous gifts . . .
I turned 30 on my favorite day of the week
Today, I walked into the church I was baptized in twenty years ago
and into a cloud of Monet memories I have to squint to see
when middle schools fears chased like a man in a Hockey mask
a panicked search for my true self
and led me to the truth of You
when youth group trips weren't just a new place to hang out
but revelations of campfire conversations
and candlelight confessions that welcomed You
in the glowing circles
memories of pew-sitting with my feet waving pendulums below
looking up from my biting fingernails to watch dad lead worship
with his hands up and eyes closed
then Mom would come out from behind the black and white keys
where she painted beauty with her fingertips
to sing with the microphone up
reminding me of a silver ice cream cone
and her eyes would close at a precise peak
and I would close my eyes too and listen
because it was all about You
a weekend visit brought me into a new decade of life
with mom and dad looking at me
and saying without saying that I will always be their little girl
at exactly 10:40am this morning when I turned the big 3-0
my mom and I were singing a duet
and I couldn't remember exactly when
I grew into sounding like her
just like the first time I realized we could share shoes
It was a song of my heart written by Sarah Groves
the perfect reflection of my own modern day Psalms
dancing with the hymn of my heritage
"He's Always Been Faithful" and "Great is Thy Faithfulness"
give and take like the playground swings
growth spurting into hammock prayers with Your word in my lap
the thousand in the crowd along with my bright eyed grinning girl
and the man I love staring like our first date
all blanketed with darkness,
my eye lids curtaining any temptation of a show
and I just sang to You
thanking You for Your
amazing
birthday presence.

P.S. I don't feel thirty, and I think it's okay.
I'll always be Your little girl.


"Our life, as individual persons and as members of a perplexed and struggling race, provokes us with the evidence that it must have meaning. Part of the meaning still escapes us. Yet our purpose in life is to discover this meaning, and live according to it. We have therefore, something to live for. The process of living, of growing up, and becoming a person is precisely the gradual increasing awareness of what that something is . . . Therefore this discovery of ourselves is always a losing of ourselves--a death and resurrection . . . not the discovery of ourselves, but of Christ." Thomas Merton, No Man is an Island

"Morning by morning I wake up to find
the power and comfort of God's hand in mine.
Season by season I watch him amazed, in
awe of the mystery of his perfect ways
All I have need of his hand will provide.
He's always been faithful to me
I can't remember a trial or a pain
he did not recycle to bring me gain.
I can't remember one single regret
in serving God only and trusting his hand
All I have need of his hand will provide.
He's always been faithful to me
Great is Thy faithfulness, O God my Father;
There is no shadow of turning with Thee;
Thou changest not, Thy compassions, they fail not;
As Thou hast been, Thou forever will be.
Great is Thy faithfulness!
Great is Thy faithfulness!
Morning by morning new mercies I see.
All I have needed Thy hand hath provided;
Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me!
This is my anthem, this is my song, the
theme of the stories I've heard for so long.
God has been faithful, he will be again.
His loving compassion, it knows no end.
All I have need of his hand will provide.
He's always been faithful to me"
Sara Groves, "He's Always Been Faithful"

"I will sing of the LORD's great love forever;
with my mouth I will make your faithfulness known through all generations."
Psalm 89:1

Plug and Play

He wants to change

caught up in a fear and failure cyclone

ripple effect mechanical breakdown

he's trying to rewire, replace some parts

test some new technology

and research the DIY world of haystack needles

but he can't see

he's just unplugged

his old best friend somehow erased and re-sketched

into a cosmic santa claus

who doesn't need to check the list again

because he knows which list he's on

an uneventful Christmas morning to come

what used to be his favorite subject

now an outdated legend

of You as a clockmaker

who wound it once and walked away

to leave him stumbling through this world

to a tick and a tock that feels too fast

but there's a word that keeps popping up in his searching

a word he can't get his arms around

like a heavy box he wants to carry

but the angles are all wrong

Grace

I can feel it in my wiring

like a silent music of a song You wrote just for me

the rhythm behind my smile and subtle dance to my walk

but when I try to sing my song to him, all he can hear is noise

like him, so many could hear their own songs playing

if they could just

plug in

but I had to find my own outlet

I can't make them find it

but You can.

For three weeks

I'll close my eyes

belt my song to You

with Bono passion for his ears

and theirs.

And watch the light show begin.

"A desperation to change is not enough. In order to sustain the changes, we have to be connected to a power source beyond ourselves--a power source that never wavers, flickers, or leaves us in the dark. We have to move from willpower to the real power that comes from a connection to our creator . . . While our lives include many facets, our spiritual energy is more important than the others, because everything hinges on it. We're created as spiritual beings , and to develop spiritual energy, we have to develop a healthy connection to our Creator . . . We are created to be connected to a larger power source." Kerry and Chris Shook, One Month to Live

"Abide in Me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit of itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in Me. I am the vine, you are the branches. He who abides in Me, and I in him, bears much fruit; for without Me you can do nothing." John 15: 4-5

"All we have to do, our only role, is to be the branch and connect to the vine. If we are connected to the vine, we'll be spiritually healthy and be filled with his energy. When we forget and start thinking we're the vine instead of the branch, we get stressed out because that's a role we were never created to play . . . You don't have to sweat and strive and work harder, or discipline yourself to be more spiritual through sheer willpower. You're not responsible for producing fruit; Jesus is . . . This is the key for moving from will power to real power." Kerry and Chris Shook, One Month to Live

"You formed us for Yourself, and our hearts are restless till they find rest in You."

Saint Augustine

Happy 4th! (and 5th and 6th . . . )

Just feelin' blessed this weekend
like a dog with it's head out the window
I'm just grinning and enjoying the ride
my family
my job
my friends
my country
Thanks for loving me way beyond what I deserve
and keeping me from enjoying it too much
so I can keep my eyes open in the wind
and search for ways to share with others
both inside and outside
my little window.




"Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good; his love endures forever."
Psalm 118:1

"What a great time to be alive!" Stephen Mansfield, Freedom and Faith

Upstream

I just said no to a great opportunity
claiming immunity for the sake of community
and what You have in mind.
There You go raising the stakes
a stomach ache for soul's awake
and freedom unconfined.
a year ago I would have jumped at the chance
at first glance a logical advance
but then I stopped . . .

to ask You first.

a new calling sounds
the mind confounds this new out of bounds
so much bigger than me.
my plans for Yours
empty junk drawers, passion underscores
without a neon marquee.
listening for dream exchanging
life rearranging in your unchanging
love
to stop

and ask You first.

flapping my fins
on needles and pins, it's about to begin
diving in to swim upstream.
giving up little
childish noncommittal for a final acquittal
of a selfish regime.

abandoning the golden fleece

for some elbow grease and a senseless peace

all because I stopped

to ask You first.

walking alongside,
learning to abide, matching Your stride
to avoid a collision with standing still
Mind swirls like the little girl
trading pop beads for pearls
toward the center of Your will
to say what You need to say

the next act of the passion play

as I learn to stop

and ask You first.


"Following Christ isn't something that can be done half-heartedly or on the side. It's not a label we can display when it is useful. It must be central to everything we are. If life is a river, then pursuing Christ requires swimming upstream. When we stop swimming, or actively following Him, we automatically begin to be swept downstream." Francis Chan, Crazy Love

"God has something better than this. It's all about pop beads for pearls." Mark Beason, New Community Sermon 7/3/08

"It is hard to bear with people who stand still along the way, lose heart, and seek their happiness in little pleasures which they cling to . . . You feel sad about all that self-indulgence and self-satisfaction, for you know with an indestructible certainty that something greater is coming." Henri Nouwen, With Open Hands

"Greater things are yet to come

Greater things are still to be done in this city."

Chris Tomlin, "God of This City"

"One of the ways to partner with God in bringing order out of the chaos of our lives is to say no to (fast from) doing more activities . . . We need to fast from the idea that we'll miss something if we don't say yes to everything. Jesus himself walked away from some people and situations to keep the priorities of prayer and the kingdom of God first in his life. We are finite. We cannot do everything, we are not called to do everything." Valerie Hess, Spiritual Disciplines Devotional

"Moses said to the LORD, 'O Lord, I have never been eloquent, neither in the past nor since you have spoken to your servant. I am slow of speech and tongue.' The LORD said to him, 'Who gave man his mouth? Who makes him deaf or mute? Who gives him sight or makes him blind? Is it not I, the LORD ? Now go; I will help you speak and will teach you what to say.'" Exodus 4:10-11

"The exciting thing about the Christian life is that God can break in when you least expect it. . . . Many people over the centuries have tried to find God in all sorts of ways. That desire is certainly good, but as Moses discovered, God is already there . . . That's why prayer is so important in the Christian Life; it helps us stay in touch with God's timing and God's ways . . . You can be sure, God does have a good plan for your life and he uses every detail--even tough times--to accomplish it." Whitney T. Kuniholm, The Essential Bible Guide

When Helicopters Whisper

there were trees growing in our gutters
one good rain and the weight could bring them all down
those funny helicopter seeds I used to love as a kid
falling wherever the wind carried them
if left unattended, could grow into a disaster
so with an hour of don't look down
faith in rope and harness precaution
fashioned by the man I love
who watches my every move
holding the ladder and his breath
and I find some moments of peace in my crunchy roof world
under a canopy of the beauty I could blame
and with each bucket full of gunk
You were planting your own helicopter seeds of truth
I can feel You preparing me for this next calling
it's time to
clear out the gunk
don't look down
and trust in the harness
fashioned by You
because helicopters will fall
the rain will come
there's work to be done
and Your watching my every move.

"Do your best to present yourself to God as one approved, a workman who does not need to be ashamed and who correctly handles the word of truth." 2 Timothy 2:15

"I learned this proverb while I was in the middle East: 'Trust Allah but tether your camel.' It means you should trust God to take care of things, but you should also do what you can to ensure a good outcome ... we are coworkers with God in the situation of our lives. We are invited to pray about all things, but we are also called to do what we can." Valerie Hess, Spiritual Disciplines Devotional

"There is no event so commonplace but that God is present within it, always hiddenly, always leaving you room to recognize him or to not recognize him, but all the more fascinatingly because of all that, all the more compellingly and hauntingly . . . Listen to your life. See it for the fathomless mystery that it is . . . touch, taste, smell your way to the holy and hidden heart of it because in the last analysis all moments are key moments, and life itself is grace." Frederick Buechner, Now and Then

"Unless I listen to my life, I have no hope of developing my own authentic and unique voice. It is out of the stuff of seemingly ordinary, every day moments I encounter that I hear the whispers of the Holy Spirit . . . and make connections that God can use to breath life and understanding into the lives of others." Nancy Beach, Gifted to Lead

Revisionzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

I went jogging and this buzzing mutant bee kept circling me
I could not lose this guy for at least a mile
and he was driving me insane, head-butting my shoulder and hissing in my ear,
I just wanted to chill with You in the march on the pavement
but we kept getting interrupted by his incessant buzzing
finally I just sprinted as fast as I could, waved my arms like an idiot
and lost him. Ha!
and that's when You started doing all the talking. . .

compliments give me a gag reflex
I remember a time when I was little
I would get a hand on my chubby cheek
a flick of my pigtail or a squeeze of my plump fingers
along with a piece of Bubble Yum bubble gum and grinning flattery,
perfumed and cologned with scent of Sunday mornings
and I would smile and enjoy them all.
Now it's more of a mona lisa smile
formed from years of acting training
like those rushed curtain calls of nausia
where I just wanted to hide in the green room
I don't know who wrote that part of the story
but I'm beginning to understand it wasn't You
I guess I always pictured the black and white simplicity
of the ying and yang of me
You get credit for all the light and goodness
I get guilt for all the dark and shadows
Everyone's clear on the who and what
and I rest in my bad-news-is-better-than-no-news
world of answered questions even if the answers are lies
in the silky comfort of better-than-good-it's-done complacency
But You're slowly teaching me to see in color
so I can answer that frightening call
that word that seems beyond little me
who still feels like that little pigtailed girl
looking up at everyone else
and staying safe by mommy's purse and daddy's knees
Can she really pull this off?
But here we are again,

me surprised by your love,
and You, knudging me, then pushing me
as I drag my fearful heels and leave a trail of mud
Because only You could write this chapter

And I think I know now
I finally know
that it's time to start walking tall,

even if it means sprinting, waving my arms like an idiot

and making a fool of myself

so I can lose that stupid bee

and start being the You in me.


"For a long time, I thought humility meant continually discounting one's gifts, making sure to attribute everything to God or walking through life with a low opinion of oneself. However, this is not a biblical picture of humility. Humility is essentially seeing oneself with sober eyes, and not being so self-absorbed that we overlook the role of the sovereign Lord as well as the incredible worth and contributions of others . . . Many women leaders find themselves apologizing for their passion and goals, coming across as uncertain and tentative in their decision making . . . we must stop apologizing for our gifts and opportunities! We are not taking up too much room if we are seeking to fufill a God-ordained calling--a calling which may just require us to get over ourselves, take a deep breath and simply start leading . . . Being true to how God made us makes leadership less of a burden and more of a natural outpouring of how we function best . . . I had to learn what it meant to be fully myself, comfortable in my own skin, and willing to express myself authentically as a woman of faith . . . I urge you to listen to the quiet voice of the Spirit and allow our God to help you design your own path . . . No one can write the script for you--your story will be entirely your own." Nancy Beach, Gifted to Lead

"I wanna feel something sweeter than this
Cover me in leaves and roll me over again
I've been everybody else and now I want to be
something closer to myself."
Kendall Payne "Closer to Myself" song

"But me he caught—reached all the way from sky to sea;

he pulled me out Of that ocean of hate, that enemy chaos,

the void in which I was drowning.

They hit me when I was down, but God stuck by me.

He stood me up on a wide-open field;

I stood there saved—surprised to be loved!

God made my life complete when I placed all the pieces before him.

When I got my act together, he gave me a fresh start.

Now I'm alert to God's ways; I don't take God for granted.

Every day I review the ways he works; I try not to miss a trick.

I feel put back together, and I'm watching my step.

God rewrote the text of my life

when I opened the book of my heart to his eyes."

Psalm 18:16-24 (Msg)

"Dress down your pretty faith. Give me something real.
Leave out the thee and thou and speak to me now.
Speak to my pain and confusion.
Speak through my fears and my pride.
Speak to the part of me that knows I'm something deep down inside.
I know that I am not perfect, but compare me to most,
In a world of hurt and a world of anger I think I'm holding my own.
And I know that you said there is more to life.
And I know I am not satisfied.
But there are mornings I wake up and I'm just thankful to be alive.
I've known now, for quite a while, that I am not whole.
I've remembered the body and the mind,
But disected my soul.
Now something inside is awakening,
Like a dream I once had and forgot.
And it's something I'm scared of
And something I don't want to stop.
And I woke up this morning and realized that Jesus is not a portait.
Where stained glass windows or hymns or the tradition that surrounds us.
And I thought it would be hard to believe in
But it's not hard at all.
To believe I've sinned and fallen short of the Glory of God.
And He's not asking me to change in my joy for martyrdom
He's asking to take my place.
To stand in the gap that I have formed
With His real, and His sweet, and His real amazing grace.
And it's not just a sign or a sacrament.
It's not just a metaphor for love.
The blood is real and it's not just a symbol of your faith.
So leave out the thee and thou and speak now."

Sara Groves, "Awakening" song

Fighting Gravity

"I see the pen and the lips. Artists should know how to use them well. Empty speech is vain repetition. It's time to ask ourselves if we draw away from the truth of God's word by the laziness of our own. God's word itself is a work of art." Dr. Richard Allen Farmer

i talk too much,

so for three days i just listened

and learned the secrets to defying gravity

as You called me and a crowd of artists to

arise

P.S. Thanks for the awesome guys I get to work with who are teaching me what growing up with brothers was really supposed to be like

Wednesday, Session One: Nancy Beach

"We are called to be faithful, not to produce results.

True worship should always result in a fresh surrender to God.

We need to stay so attuned to the holy spirit that we come away with a new song. We aren't creating enough new songs these days.
Don't paint a partial picture of who God is. Are you telling the whole story?

God loves the church more than we do, and he wants his bride to be beautiful."

Nancy Beach

"If we are not careful, you and I will begin to do ministry more and more out of memory than imagination." Mark Batterson

Session Two: Cirque Du Soleil, Giles Ste-Croix

"Sometimes it's our job is to slow you down and sometimes to put a fire under your butt, so be prepared.
It's a very fragile process that depends on people working together . . . also a very organic process, a maelstrom of ideas. After 25 years, we kind of know what doesn't work, but it's fun to discover what does.

Fighting gravity is a form of art." Giles Ste-Croix

Session Three: Brian McLaren

"The gospel just comes bubbling up when good art happens." Robbie Seay

"Where you live should not determine whether you live." Bono

"Religious leaders love to use religion to legitimize the status quo. The church was not meant to steal people away from the world to play our own intramural sports like some game of theological football. I line up my verses. You line up yours. We say 'hut!' and watch to see who wins. We need to be careful not to let our theology be held captive to any one's ideology."

Brian McLaren

"We vote every single day by how we use our wallets." Trade as One and Paralta reps.

"I don't think we'll make poverty history until we make poverty personal . . . so we seek ways to stir human emotion that leads to inconvenient thought that leads to stirring action. You've all made the church better because of your art. Maybe it's time for the church to realize its responsibility for a better world because of your church."

Brian McLaren

Thursday: Theatre Breakouts

"In drama, there's more than one right answer, so just try the next one."

Rod Armentrout

"We're not here to get a message across, it's to connect to each other so the audience connects to Christ."

Mark Demmel

Friday: Session One: Richard Allen Farmer

"I've been everybody else but now I want to be something closer to myself."

Kendall Payne

"I've never had to pray for clarity, what I pray for is trust." Mother Theresa

"What I love about us artists is our insatiable curiosity. We won't take 'yes' for an answer. If curiosity is a disease, I'm not interested in being cured. If you look inside the heads of artists, you'll find questions that hang like tapestries.

Welcome the friction. Pair odd bedfellows until they work. Friction is not merely tolerated; it's encouraged. It's invited to take off its shoes and sit a spell.

We are not religious! It's better than that! We are lovers of God in Christ!"

Richard Allen Farmer

Friday: Final Session: Francis Chan
"It's sin if we don't give God something excellent by the end of the day.

After every service I have to ask myself was it really God showing up or just manipulation? I don't want people to walk away in awe of me; they need to be in awe of Him. I'm bored with what I know I can do. Do you think everyone walked away from Pentecost saying 'Man, that John guy is awesome!' I'm not up here by myself right now. Don't you want people to leave your church and say 'there's no way that was them!'?
Do you ever see butterflies rolling around in the mud like their caterpillar days? Me either, because they don't. You're a different person now because of God's holy spirit living inside you. Don't be a butterfly crawling in the mud."

"I waited and waited and waited for God.
At last he looked; finally he listened.
He lifted me out of the ditch,
pulled me from deep mud.
He stood me up on a solid rock
to make sure I wouldn't slip.
He taught me how to sing the latest God-song,
a praise-song to our God . . .
So I answered, "I'm coming.
I read in your letter what you wrote about me,
And I'm coming to the party you're throwing for me.
That's when God's Word entered my life,
became part of my very being.
I've preached you to the whole congregation,
I've kept back nothing, God—you know that.
I didn't keep the news of your ways a secret, didn't keep it to myself.
I told it all, how dependable you are, how thorough.
I didn't hold back pieces of love and truth
For myself alone. I told it all,
let the congregation know the whole story."

Psalm 40: 1-2, 7-10 (Msg)

Nike Theology

you're a great coach
three months of
leaning on You for will power
hearing you cheer me on
as the numbers on the scale went down
always pushing me to
keep moving even when it hurts
stop complaining
and just do it
rewarding me with smaller sizes
longer gazes from my husband
more energy to chase my little girl
and twenty five pounds less in three months
But now on to the bigger challenge
as you coach me
and a great group of women
in the training, toning and strengthening
of our souls
as we lean on You for will power
hear you cheer us and push us to
keep moving even when it hurts
stop complaining
and just do it


"[Spiritual] disciplines are not meant to be one more thing for us to fail at in our relationship with God. They are meant to help us untie knots of bondage and break old, bad habits that make life more difficult. The disciplines are meant to breathe life into the dead places of our souls." Valerie Hess, Spiritual Disciplines Devotional

"We all live in this tension between here's who I am and there's who I want to be . . . God sees us before we see ourselves . . . This isn't just about us. It's about what God wants to do with us." D.C. Curry, "Designing a Transformation" sermon 5/22/08

'And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord's glory, are being transformed into his likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit." 2 Corinthians 3:18

"Some people regard discipline as a chore. For me, it is a kind of order that sets me free to fly." Julie Andrews

First of Many

Thank You for this night
this school that has woven Your word
into her heart
Thank You for
her first graduation
her first award
her first friends
and the many to come
May it all come a little too slow . . .


"what we have heard and known,
what our fathers have told us.
We will not hide them from their children;
we will tell the next generation
the praiseworthy deeds of the LORD,
his power, and the wonders he has done." Psalm 78: 3-4

Thin Places

"The ancient Celtics believed in what they called 'thin places.' These are the places where the natural and the supernatural worlds come together at their narrowest, with only a thin veil between them. When you're in a thin place you're able to catch a glimpse of God and it becomes easier to sense his presence . . . God knows it's difficult for us to remember that he's with us, so he does all kinds of things to capture our attention. We need to pay attention and look for those flickers of God in unexpected places."
Vince Antonucci, I Became a Christian and All I Got was this Lousy T-shirt

two weeks of thin places
leave me gaping with a grin
like a present when it isn't my birthday or Christmas. . .

when dog-sitting for a weekend
brought slobbery grins and a funny authoritative voice
that turns a five year old into a worthy master
all the while I was dreading the lip-quivering good-byes
that didn't even cross her mind until the moment they drove away
with his ears flapping a careless good-bye
As I watched her bottom lip jut out and her chest begin to bounce
I walked into that thin place where
there was a whisper reminder
that everything is on loan from You
we can dread the time to give it back
or choose to embrace it while it lasts

a weekend of celebrating volunteers
left a charlie horse in my face from grinning
still amazed I get to have fun and call it a job
still in awe of those I get to serve with
still gaping at how You place us all like chess pieces
and there it was, another thin place
where I saw You in the faces around me
learning how to love You even more
by watching them love each other

a holiday weekend brought a party next door
I caught my little girl watching from afar
That extrovert ache pulling her
into a world where she wasn't invited
a property line she couldn't cross
and the laughter of the children
calling to her like a siren
she would walk along the yard lines
marked only by occasional trees
but even with no fences and at least fifty sets of eyes
no one waved or winked, no one even noticed
and I was sad
but not just for her
the summer breeze brought another thin place
where I wondered how many times
We, the Church, can miss chances to invite people to You
because we're too busy throwing our own parties




warm sunshine brought out the sprinklers, bathing suits, and fishing poles
every catch was a celebration
but the pursuit was the real joy
watching our bobbers for our next scaly friend to admire
but I had trouble keeping my eyes on mine
because I was seeing You in my husband
in his zone of joy in nature
I've always loved his eyes
this grayish blue that reminds me
of an ethereal portal in some sci-fi blockbuster
or maybe the ocean waves without the cliche
I've seen them squint as deadlines and bills
tighten like a vice around his head and no pill seems to shake it
but it was only the reflection of the sun on the water
and the smile he couldn't hide behind his Mountain Dew chugs
Who knew dirty hands that smelled like earthworms could be so attractive?
But I chose to behave since his mother was visiting . . . : )
I felt the hook as you reeled me into another thin place
grateful to sit beside him on the dock in his moment of peace

Her last day of preschool
one big party for her and her friends
I dropper her off a little sleepy, shiney and new
and picked up a dusty and dirty crazy kid
renewed by a day of playing in the dirt with friends
a fast forward moment for me
she's growing up too fast
and I just have to marvel
every time I turn around she's trying something new
a visit to the playground where she set a goal to master the monkey bars
pacing herself, adding one more to each try
I could see the pain, the fatigue, and the tenacity
as I urged her to take a break and try again later
but she would not stop until she got to ten
her grin and furrowed brow were the cue to step back
and her hot pink blisters were the cue to step back in
and I knew You had big plans for her
then she'll say and mean these things that are just so wise
and she hasn't even started kindergarten!
she's moving a little closer to a companion every day
taking walks beside me, noticing everything and asking me
a million questions because she trusts in my answers
and we walk in another thin place holding hands
and I long for You to be able to say
the exact same things about me
to be able to look down at me
the way I look at her
I would be growing up so fast
that You would just have to marvel
so for now I'll just keep adding another monkey bar,
finding friends who aren't afraid of the dirt, walking with You,
and asking a million questions
trusting and listening for Your answers in the
thin places

"My soul thirsts for God, for the living God.
When can I go and meet with God? . . .
By day the LORD directs his love,
at night his song is with me—
a prayer to the God of my life." Psalm 42: 2-8

Poker with Paul

I played Poker with Paul today

an argument of truth held concealed

in the hands we were dealt

and the thorns in our sides

Your word morphed into a pop-up book

a house of cards that will never fall

as I try to prepare for a weekend service

that reaches straight into my gushy gut

of insecurities

to face some secret uncertainties

just between me and You

Paul is almost as neurotic as me

so I peek into his love notes

that sound a little more like diary entries

All of us just kickin' back

and laying all the cards on the table

You have the best poker face

not the smug, cocky, I'm-gonna-get-you kind

just that look of

peace

that confidence I wish I could find,

less like poker

and more like Go Fish old school style

a simple card exchange from Your hand to mine
and suddenly I'd be a winner

and You just keep smiling that Poker face

pointing

at Paul and his ramblings

and waiting

until it sinks in

it's not about winning and losing at all

just a conversation with the guys
until it's time to stand up

"Therefore, since we have such a hope, we are very bold." 2 Corinthians 3:12

"Therefore we are always confident and know that as long as we're at home in the body we are away from the Lord. We live by faith, not by sight. We are confident." 2 Corinthians 5:6-8

"We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ." 2 Corinthians 10:5

"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Corinthians 12: 9-10

"So I will very gladly spend for you everything I have and expend myself as well." 2 Corinthians 12: 15

"He is not weak in dealing with you, but is powerful among you. For to be sure, he was crucified in weakness, yet he lives by God's power. Likewise, we are weak in him, yet by God's power we will live with him to serve you." 2 Corinthians 13: 3-4

"I dont know about you but when I asked God for a sign and there was a sign, I thought maybe it's a sign . . . . Jesus didn't say to his disciples, 'come and sit with me'. He said 'Come and follow me." Have you ever tried to follow someone sitting down? It's uncomfortable, and you get a rash!" Mark Beeson, "Town Hall Meeting" Sermon 5/12/2008

Pas de Quatre

You met me in a week of dance routines
paper chain meanings in each of the scenes
a dance with daddy in the afternoon sun
Your Abba love lessons have just begun
melting preschool worries of fire alarms
as her little eyes close, safe in his arms
I long for her confidence to be in You
above firing line peer reviews
but in this moment she rests in daddy's love
feet on feet like hand in glove
as You gently remind me to let You lead
with a stone-rolling promise guaranteed
my eyes are shrouded and drip with a blink
knowing the wedding dance is closer than we think
then off to her recital where she glows with pride
giggling with friends that dance by her side
"we're all in this together" was the song of choice
And behind the camera, I can clearly hear Your voice
Lauren makes friends in thirteen seconds
but wall flowers never have to feel rejection
it's safer behind the camera or in a character's skin
yet much like a band-aid or safety pin
the next day she got to meet her first bride
her first wedding and her mouth gaped wide
at the pink and white beauty of true romance
then the music began and she couldn't help but dance
on the dancing floor with the bouncing lights
then outside with bubbles at night
zero inhibitions when your five years old
another whisper from You begins to unfold
it was just her and the music with not a care in the world
and I met You in the silliness of my little girl
for all I really want is to bring glory to You
even if it means some silly moves too
You nudge me again when her new friend stopped by
a warning against the fate of William Bligh
as their teeter totter play of give and take
calls me beyond my wallflower state
hand in hand they dance and run
when you have a friend, it's just more fun
morning dawns and the service begins
another dance that makes me grin
yet another beckon to stretch me more
thank you for my family dance of four
Pas de Quatre

"We've all danced the dance. The dance of the world is "power up" and step on whoever's toes you need to to get ahead. But Jesus came with a new dance. There's a whole new song playing. There's a whole new dance." Mark Beeson, "Space Invaders" sermon May 10-11


"I will build you up again and you will be rebuilt. Again you will take up your tambourines and go out to dance with the joyful." Jeremiah 31:4

Popcorn Parables

popcorn was always a family favorite

tiny kernals under pressure

blooming to puffy white deliciousness

microwave beat-boxing

to the sweet redolence that fills the room

or better yet on the stovetop

with mom's special oil and that rough, blackened pot

a few minor blazes that looked like little orange tongues

sharing my craving for sweet and salty tastiness

watching the lid rise as it overflows with yummy white ambrosia

this weekend was the women's retreat

three days of delicious popcorn truths began with a gentle reminder

"God has an appointment with you this weekend.God knows where you are and what you need. The divine finger of God will make its way through the crowd and touch your heart." Mark Beeson

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and I lean in to meet You

scared of the one kernal that's been popping up for a few weeks

a challenge that I'm afraid is just beyond me

and might just be my neurotic, bee-buzzing brain

a word that just doesn't seem to fit me or my capabilities

"There's an interesting tension between the sovereign will of God and your will." MB

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I'm always looking for the next class to take

the next book to read, the next calling

the next curve of the pen as you design who I'm meant to be in You

but this one is different, and the voices scream

I'm just not worthy, I'm just not good enough

"What would it be like to have so much confidence in God and vision for what God wants us to be that we would stay the course no matter what trials life throws at us? The question is not how do I get out of this trouble, it's who do I want to be in this trouble? " MB

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but it just doesn't make sense

there's not enough time, money, logistics

there are those days

just enough energy to keep all the balls in the air

and everyone's smiles on their faces

and You might want me to add something new?

"You don't see an apple tree straining and screaming 'Apples! Apples! Got to make some apples!' Stop focusing on the fruit and start focusing on the nourishment and nutrients of Christ."MB

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it just feels like adding another page to the list

that list that keeps everyone cared for and loved

and gives me a grade at the end of the course

"You don't need to check a list to see if you're a success as a wife and mother and woman of God. The lists were torn at Calvary. Lists are a way of whipping yourself for not being who you think you should be. You don't need to try to prove to God that He made the right decision to sacrifice His son for You. He knows. You have two paths. You can choose to stay performance-oriented or you can choose to be loved. Burn your list." Dr. Bob Laurent

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living in "should-land" can be exhausting

and for a moment

I feel a little lighter

shoulders rising with the corners of my mouth

and even my chin lifts a little

then I remind myself who I really am

still feeling like an 8th grader with the wrong outfit on

taking the measuring tape out of the back of my mind

forcing my chin to submission to stare at my hands

"God loves you more when you show who you really are. God looks for his kids in the reject bins. Don't stumble over his outrageous love. Maybe you've been living so long in winter, you forgot God's calling you to the springtime." DB

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How do You do that?

speak so clearly it can't be coincidence

answering the riddles of my heart before I can even voice them

but that one word keeps popping up among the kernals

and it just doesn't fit mousy, unheroic, simple me

who never really seems to fit anywhere but You

"God calls us to a life of adventure, not a dusty tour." Mark Waltz

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I've always wanted to be zippered up to You

as close as I can, along for the ride

but this . . .

there are others so much more worthy

I just have so little to offer

"It is the smallest part of me that wants to find a way to you . . . could it be that you bend down low to hear a voice so weak? Will you take the smallest part and make it large? Will you take the smallest step and carry me far? The best intentions reside in a corner of my soul. Now I need some help in conquering the whole." Jason Miller, "The Smallest Part"

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maybe humility has a new definition

with You as the context

maybe it isn't a child's game with clasped hands

eyelashes batting away the compliments

begging to change the subject back to You

maybe it's really about becoming a slave to You

in order to taste the real freedom

the confidence of a megaphone

to shout You from the rooftops

so others can find the same sweet and salty deliciousness

but there's that word again

that frightening Everest word that makes no sense

"Like Heather says, change is like going up a down escalator. But what would it be like to have peace despite the circumstance? After a mountaintop experience like this, you will find a valley if you try to do it on your own. The methods of this world are our will. We have to surrender to God's will. He has an appointment with you every day." Kathy Guy

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I love our daily appointments

especially lately

soaking in the simplicity of pen pal Paul

his honesty and lack of perfection

like an embossed invitation to a party I've already been to

"You'll remember, friends, that when I first came to you to let you in on God's master stroke, I didn't try to impress you with polished speeches and the latest philosophy. I deliberately kept it plain and simple: first Jesus and who he is; then Jesus and what he did—Jesus crucified.
I was unsure of how to go about this, and felt totally inadequate—I was scared to death, if you want the truth of it—and so nothing I said could have impressed you or anyone else. But the Message came through anyway. God's Spirit and God's power did it, which made it clear that your life of faith is a response to God's power, not to some fancy mental or emotional footwork by me or anyone else." I Corinthians 2: 1-5

I love how You answer me when I don't want You to

I love how Your smarter than me

I love how You flip a lightswitch in the dark places

even when I still keep my eyes closed

I love how You stretch me out of my cotton complacency

into itchy, chaffing truths that keep me squirming

enough to move me forward

"No one escapes the storms. Jesus offers one solution. Hear the words of the book and put them into practice." Rob Wegner, "Call of Duty" sermon May 3-4, 2008

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so when the routine returns like regimented calendar squares

I'll just keep diving in the popcorn kernals

listening, watching, chasing the next explosion of truth

to understand why that scary one keeps popping up

and more importantly to stay in the heat

trusting in the pops to come

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